There is something I am very quickly learning about myself, when I am upset, I can be quite inconsolable. I'm always amazed at how much God puts up with my temper tantrums sometimes. Being in Cambridge, though wonderful and truly a blessing, has taken a toll on me emotionally. As many "highs" as I feel like I've experienced, there were just as many "lows". These last two weeks have been particularly hard. I've been sick, tired, sleeping too little, sleeping too much, inconvenienced, interrupted, and just plain fed-up at times. The chronic eye infections and stomach pains were only a fraction of the things I felt like I was dealing with, and to make things worse, I just felt like I needed to keep going, to push through, to put on a smile when really all I wanted to do was to curl up in a corner somewhere and cry. I've been feeling empty more often, and getting upset at God for not filling me up again quickly enough. I feel like I've been fighting for faith and coming up short in my battle. I'm tired of continually feeling like I have to bury my dreams at the cross, hoping God would resurrect them again, but not being all too sure if it would be in His will to do so. I've been worried about an uncertain future, the inevitable truth of having to start my life over from scratch once I go back to New York. I feel directionless, without purpose, without hope, and upset at myself for having these feelings while knowing that I have a relationship with a God who can do all things. Why is it so hard for me to trust Him? Why does he feel so far and why does it feel so hard to believe He is working all things for good in my life? I've been sitting in my bed for the last two hours (despite a looming deadline) just really crying out for God, and in perhaps one of my lowest lows, God did the impossible, He consoled me.I was reminded of a dream I had about a month ago. There was a ship being tossed in the sea stuck in a middle of a raging storm, and I could clearly remember God speaking to me that this would be a season where he teaches me how to be anchored in Him despite my surroundings. I remember praying that God would show me how to do this, without really anticipating what it would take to teach this lesson. I've recently been meditating on Psalm 139, praying the words written by David over my life, particular verse 23, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." I had forgotten that I basically prayed for everything I've been going through. I was the one who asked God to show me how to be anchored, and it takes a storm for that to happen. I had let everything around me determine how I should feel. It's not to say it's wrong to be upset when life just isn't going the way you hope, I had simply forgotten to cast my vision beyond what's happening now. I allowed myself to get swept away by my emotions, choosing to be inconsolable rather than choosing to trust in God, and in things unseen. This was why I was loosing the battle with faith, because faith is believing in that which has not come to pass, and trusting in the goodness of God that His promises are true. If I let the reality of my surroundings dictate what I see in my future, I will surely be discouraged. I was reminded of all the good things that have yet to come to pass, and to be encouraged in the Lord despite the raging storms. I feel as though I don't testify enough of the goodness of God. I am a chronic complainer and serial whiner, but by God's grace I hope He changes that. I grumble when I'm going through trials, forgetting that most of the time this is what I've prayed for, and the Lord will bring me through. There is nothing greater than the love God has to offer. He is always a tender father. He consoles me even when I feel inconsolable. He anchors me in the midst of a storm, and delivers me from every trial.
