Garbage Pie

True story, a couple of days ago, I ate an apple pie out of the trash. The worst part of the story is the fact that it wasn't even good apple pie. I had thrown it in the trash for a reason, the apples were sour, the syrup too sweet and the crust was like cardboard. There was nothing appealing about this pie, yet in my moment of depression and weakness, I reached straight into that trash and shoved that garbage pie down my gullet. It was a sad moment, probably one of my darkest moments that should remain untold. In the middle of my gorging, I stopped to ask myself why I felt like I needed to eat this pie? Sure, I was sad, feeling really down about myself, but couldn't I exert the energy to put on pants and maybe get something worth drowning my sorrows in? The next day, I thought about how I often reach for "garbage pie" to feed that emptiness inside of me. Whenever I feel down, I go straight for the self pity, the booze, the credit card, the criticism, whatever trash I can find to fill the emptiness. Does it ever work? Obviously not, considering that I recently found myself fishing in the trash for food.

I always knew that part of this is because I don't think I deserve anything better. I constantly tell myself I'm unlovable, disgusting, not worth anything. Awful words, I know. I couldn't even dream of saying those things to my enemy, so why I can't I stop saying them to myself? There are days when I even convince myself that God hates me, and he's someone who's supposed to love everyone. Today, I had a good conversation with a great friend, someone who I esteem to be strong and capable, and we talked about why we have the need to sabotage ourselves from ever having anything good. Part of what I discovered through her discovery is my codependent tendencies. I never thought of myself as codependent, rather, I thought I was independent. But according to Wikipedia, I am most definitely a codependent mess. I wrote down 28 characteristics that I felt like most expressed the things I struggle with. Here are just a few of those statements:

1) I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humour, or isolation
2) I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough"
3) I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger
4) I do not perceive myself as lovable or worthwhile person

At the end of the list, I wrote these words: "But right now, I pray that the blood of Christ covers it all, that I believe God has made me new, and I don't have to walk that way anymore". It was the single most liberating sentence I had scribbled down in my journal. The truth is, the list could go on and on. I could always find something that's wrong with me, something I'm not happy about, something that I feel like I need to change, but liberation doesn't come from only identifying problems, that's only one part of it. Liberation comes when you can accept the grace of God to cover all those things, and to believe you don't have to be that list of 28 or 28,000 shortcomings. Will I be cured tomorrow morning? Probably not. Freedom can be instantaneous, but sometimes healing takes years. I'm grateful that I could see behaviors I was so dependent on for so long. It's helped me realize how painful events in my past were perceived incorrectly, how I have blamed God for so many things. For a long time I think I had a hard time understanding why God would allow my father to die, but in light of what I've realized about myself, I know now I was unable to see his death as a result of his own addictions and his own demons, and not of God's failure to be good. It's something I need to continually give up to God, even though my instinct is to blame Him for the pain I feel. I am truly thankful for the good friends he's surrounded me with whose courage and wisdom inspire my own journey towards being a stronger person. I'm glad that God chooses to reach down into the dumps to lift me out so I don't have to fish for "garbage pie" to fill my hunger. I'm glad He gives me the chance to say, "this is who I used to be". Hopefully this will be the last time I eat something out of the trash.....no guarantees.