Mercy or Sacrifice?

This post took especially long to write for me. I started after Ash Wednesday and really didn't find clarity on the subject until now. Seeing people walk around with an ash smeared cross on the forehead reminded me it was that time again. Lent and Easter seems to pass by so quickly like Christmas and New Years; the anticipation always leaving you a little dumbstruck when the moment actually comes and goes. Out of habit, I quickly pick something to "give up" for forty days and convince myself this is what God wants from me - extra brownie points for when I reach my final home. This year was chips and chocolate, my two vices. Two weeks in I hit withdrawal, tremors and everything. Two weeks and a day in, I start to cheat. Having given up my two loves besides God, I had become Grouchy Mcgee, running with more stank in my tank than I would've liked. I should just move into a trash can somewhere on Sesame street. As I plowed my way through a bag of Sun Chips (a new flavor I convinced myself I just had to try - LIMITED EDITION PEOPLE), I contemplated what the point was to all this Lent stuff anyways? Ok, I had macaroons too, but they were free, FREE!! No one in their right mind passes up free macaroons.

If I were honest with myself in the beginning, I would've known that my sacrifice was more about my waistline then relationship with God - a red flag pointing straight to failure. Sacrificing arbitrary things that I thought would make me a better person was an Easter tradition for me, failure going hand in hand. Lately, God has been challenging my habits. I wondered if I could ever find success in the things I so desperately want to give up to God: the idols, the negative thoughts, the habits that rule my life, the need for control over my own destiny. I just want to make God proud, but I lack the discipline to show Him he matters more to me than anything else in this world. As I banged my head with the hammer of guilt and disgrace, I called to mind that passage, "I desire mercy, not sacrifice". It's one of those lines we repeat in Sunday school, but this was the first time I actually thought about it. In all my sacrificial endeavors, maybe I had forgotten the one thing God asks of us all; Mercy.

Every Easter, my heart is so focused on what I can do for God, that I forget to think about what I can do for his people. After all, God needs nothing, He asks nothing, only that we worship him. My feeble attempts at sacrifice will always remain feeble, simply because its out of my own strength. Mercy, now that's even harder! No one is born merciful, or full of kindness, which is why we are in such desperate need of Jesus. Our humility in sin draws us close to our Saviour more than any sacrifice could ever bring us. And our closeness to God moves our heart towards compassion and mercy. There is no way I could ever successfully give anything up unless I understand with all my mind and spirit that I am undeservedly loved without limits, that God is good beyond all comprehension, and generous beyond all imagination. As we approach the day of greatest joy, I hope that we all can examine our hearts rather than our deeds since mercy is a matter of the heart. Have we loved well or have we withheld our compassion for God's people, and most importantly, do we understand that God has been so merciful to us? Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to give up chocolate, and perhaps even out of my own strength, but the greater challenge is to ask God to expand my capacity for love, something I could never do on my own. So this Easter, I give up "giving up", and simply ask for a deeper relationship with God, and with those around me.