Standstill vs. Stand Still

I love the play one words. In a nutshell, I've been feeling like my life has come to a complete standstill. I know from the outside, it seems as though I've been swept away onto another adventure, and yes, at times I do feel that way. But even in unfamiliar settings, I feel those very familiar feelings. I am an anxious person to put it mildly. On good days, I go through my mental list of things to do at least three times before I've had my coffee, and on bad days I'll cry about the impossibility of that list being accomplished. It seems to be a lifetime struggle for me to ever feel like I've accomplished anything. Being back in school only reinforces those fears. I'm reminded of the time that's passed so quickly, and to be honest, there's even less time to lament for a youth long lost. The proverbial clock keeps ticking and I'm struggling to keep up with the seconds as they mindlessly tick by me. Seems that I'm always chasing after time and always coming up a step too late.
I've been really challenged to think about the idea of being at a stand still, and, well...just standing still. One feels very passive, and the other is an active role. I've always felt the first, as though I've been slotted into some evil purgatory where nothing happens, where I wake up five years later and I'm still blogging about "sad feelings" and unfulfilled promises in my underwear, alone, in bed. (Emphasis on the alone). I am now that five years later sad sad woman vaguely resembling a washed up Bridgette Jones. Self deprecation aside, there is another way of viewing things that I'm trying to wrap my mind around. Maybe it's not a standstill I'm in, maybe it's an opportunity to stand still. I was reading a blog today about the busy life of a mother trying to juggle her job, kids, and faith at the same time, and feeling as though her faith kept losing. I understood the difficulty of her feelings of not having personal time to sit and think, and reflect on God, or whatever else one reflects on, and to be honest, I felt a little lucky. As much as I want to complain about how nothing's happened in the last decade for me in terms of life-changing, I feel lucky that I've had so much time to explore. I must confess that at times I get a little lost in that exploration, and end up in places I shouldn't, but the chance to make mistakes and learn seems valuable in some way. But the journey often takes me to that desolate place, the place Dr. Seuss called "The Waiting Place". It's the season when you are just in-between everything, where your neither going or coming, seeking or finding. It's frustrating, more so when it seems to be not by choice. I think if I can manage to see it as standing still vs. a standstill, it eases some of the uneasiness. It's a rare opportunity these days to have to wait for something, especially when life is zipping by at a million miles/second and things are even more accessible than they've ever been. But waiting is the only way we'll know who we truly are, and to know who God truly is. It's the moment where we can think, and be disturbed, uncomfortable, lonely, confused, and most of all, be at rest. For those at "The Waiting Place", take encouragement in knowing that you are headed for great things, for every great person needs great rest. Be still, and wait, for the right time and for the right purposes. In the valley's of life, remember the high places, remember that promises unfulfilled are opportunities for miracles to happen.

I've also attached a copy of the Dr. Suess Story, "Oh! The Places You'll Go" below for some extra encouragement, happy readings!

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!
by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

The Ugly Truth

There's a new -ism in town called "lookism". I first read about it in the gossip section of the Daily Mail while intruding on the lives of the beautiful. Once in a while you catch an article about some dowdy mom losing 2 stone (which I found out is the British way of saying 28 pounds - go figure), or one woman's epiphany on how she's not exactly a swan in flock of mallards. In one article, it was mentioned that we're a society slowly falling into a new category of bigotry based off of the outward appearance of individuals. I'll be honest, I've been a perpetrator of lookism probably more than once in my life, it's happened to the best of us. My inability to overcome what may be a new social epidemic, lead me to years of depression, comparing myself against those who had it all in my eyes, and wondering why my life looked so dismal, so ugly, so much like a naked mole rat in comparison to the elegant swans around me.

I felt marked, scarred physically and emotionally, and at times even suicidal. Most recently, I've had the feeling of wanting to peel off my own skin in disgust, never quite living up to my own sense of what a young, bright Christian should look like. We live in an age where we want it all, the looks, the money, the honor, the high reputation amongst peers and co-workers. Eventually, we have to face the ugly truth. I love how truth is referred to as "ugly", categorized by the same lookism we fall into. So what is the ugly truth? Well, if asked this question a couple of days ago, I would've said it's accepting the fact that some of us will never have it all, and some will. It would be accepting defeat, admitting to a cruel fate that does not allow you to thrive as you wish you could. Then, I read an excerpt from Michael Moore's book, Here Comes Trouble: Stories From My Life, featured in the Guardian article below:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2011/sep/07/michael-moore-hated-man-america

It made me think a little deeper on what exactly is so ugly about the truth? In his infamous Oscar acceptance speech for Bowling for Columbine, he said something that got those rusty gears turning in my head: "We like non-fiction, yet we live in fictitious times. We live in a time where we have fictitious election results that elect a fictitious president. We live in a time where we have a man sending us to war for fictitious reasons." Michael Moore was right, though not evident at the time. Though is commentary was towards political reasons, we could generally still agree that these are indeed fictitious times. Maybe my idea of an ugly truth is really based off of a reality that's not real at all. My lookism created an alternate world that said I had to be successful, or that God's favor meant blessings galore and respect from my peers, but this is a fictitious story. It's a story the world creates and the church adopts as well. Here's the non-fiction we live in: nothing matters but God. That's right, not you, not your job, not your car, not what people think of you, not even the money in your account. It's a hard truth to grasp, which is probably why we call it ugly, but if we dare to turn our own worlds upside down for a minute, we'll realize there's nothing ugly about it at all, in fact, its the most beautiful thing I will ever try to wrap my mind around. There's freedom in that truth, freedom in knowing you will never be asked to be anything except yourself. I realize that's a very big picture to see, and sometimes its difficult to apply big picture things to everyday life. Understanding that truth doesn't always dispel the feelings of inadequacy or low self-worth, or the feeling of wanting to accomplish something in this lifetime. In my process of trying to separate the fiction from the non-fiction, I begin to see that one does not exclude the other. Nothing matters but God, but nothing matters to God but you.

Somewhere along the lines, truth became fiction and fiction, truth. We've bought into the kool-aide of self-love, self-worth, and self-acceptance that society pushes so much for, and traded it for what the gospel offers. We obtain on our own the very things that God intended to give us, in hopes of taking an easy route towards happiness. The stories I read in the bible ar wrought with hardships, rejection, people who must stand alone, voices that cry out in the wilderness. Mingled in all that doom and misery is something so beautiful and so easily overlooked, something completely non-fiction, something that is the truth, pure and simple. It is the will of God. Complete submission to his will is so hard, because it does mean pain and loss, I've personally felt it for years, never quite understanding what it is all for. A lot of us will choose instead to incorporate just enough of God into our lives where we feel like our salvation is minimally guaranteed, weaving an intricate fictitious theology and faith. That's just not enough anymore. We've become spoiled, gluttons for good things only, including insurance for the after life. But things spoiled never bear fruit. So here's the challenge, for myself, and for anyone else who dares to face a bit of that ugly truth, let us release the fictitious world, and ask for the real one, no matter what pains, what misery, what suffering may come from that. Let us choose to live a life examined, a life surrendered, and a life unhappy at times, in exchange for fruitfulness for the greater good. And here's the beauty in it all, you will see a heaven, even here on earth. So take heart, those who have tasted suffering in your walk. Remember, you are the lone voice in the wilderness, a light into the eyes of those who've become accustomed to darkness, a beautiful melody in an orchestra of clanging cymbals. Continue to submit, because God will never disappoint, though you may feel that way at times, and never stop seeking for truth.

A Virtual Domicile

I usually don't have philosophical mornings, but today I found myself turning over an idea in my head. For the last year, I've worked as a graphic designer for Barney's web team, and that usually equals obscene amounts of time surfing the web on various blogs, fashion sites, YouTube (yea, maybe that's more for personal pleasure than research) and the whole slew of information and visual bytes floating around in the inter-webs. It's interesting when you stumble upon a new blog you've never seen before, or a collection of someones photos (or collection of photos from others photos) that just inspire a certain awe in a person. As much as I love this online universe, there is a part of me that starts to think if it's healthy. The sharing and re-sharing of information seemed like a great idea to begin with. I miss the days of blogs formatted in simple HTML set up, usually reflecting the thoughts of some world traveller / scholar hoping to share ideas with a wider range of individuals. Now a days, it seems we are overwhelmed with various sites both visual and intellectual. It's harder for me to imagine who is actually behind these sites, posting photos and commentaries. Who is this person writing clever quips on today's fashion and politics? The cool thing is that most of these "experts" are actually laymen like me and you. Empowering isn't it? But nonetheless, you can't help but wonder if the information you're absorbing is actually something worth absorbing.

For example, I was perusing information about Croatia today in hopes of planning a future trip there, and found myself on someones page that had a collection of beautiful photos from Croatia. When I read the captions a little more clearly, I realized that the person had never actually been to Croatia, but had posted these photos in hopes of going there one day. I do this myself...create a virtual domicile, a life completely built upon wishes and hopes and dream versions of places and things I want. Interesting, isn't it? How our virtual lives can sometimes over shadow the reality of who we are and what we've actually accomplished or experienced. The Internet is a great facilitator in our games of pretend. It's an easy guise to wear, an avatar created based solely on how we want to be perceived, rather than a discovery of who we really are. I love the sharing and re-sharing of things uknown and unseen, but sometimes I wish it could happen in real life, like real air breathing, walking talking life, and not just a mouse click away life. Are we a generation trapped in our virtual domiciles like some form of digital house-arrest? Have we stunted our own capacities to self-reflect, to change, and learn and engage, or are we engaging in a different way? I haven't completely reconciled all these questions myself, but I often just feel as though I spend so much time trying to "catch up" on things happening on the Internet that I miss out on living my actual life...

This also made me think about the fear of man, vs. fear of God. When I look through Facebook sometimes, I see these perfectly crafted lives, and I have to wonder if people are ACTUALLY that happy and satisfied. Maybe they are, who am I to judge, but sometimes I feel like people filter out the bad (who would want to post up photos of family fights and teary faces anyways...bleh!). We, on the other end, can only see the good, but only that person will know what kind of toils lie beneath the surface of the happy photos being posted. But alas, the fear of man makes us afraid to be seen as either sad, depressed, sometimes struggling people. For a very long time I felt as though I was alone in my sadness and depression. The more I pressed into God, the more I began to realize that this is actually OK to experience. Through my troubles, the Psalms comforted me. The candour and honesty of David eased the uncomfortable feeling of shame in myself for being so troubled. If the Psalms were written in a blog today, I wonder if anyone would find it edifying, or would we just think to ourselves, "There goes that depressed David again, ranting away"? This leads me to the inquisition of this whole post; Are we hiding more than we are sharing our lives on the Internet? Does it help us in the process of self-discovery, or hinder us from growth? Does it increase even more our fears of man rather than push us further into the truths of God? Perhaps the answer is both, but we'll never know unless we have the courage to step away from our virtual domiciles, and examine our actual hearts.

Food for the soul: A Story of a (Minor) Miracle

Two years ago, I said goodbye to my friends and my family as I boarded that plane to Taiwan. It was a move that would change the course of my life, and interrupt everything I thought I knew about God. I had hoped that the change of scenery would bring some rest for my weary soul. I had gone through a tough year, unemployment, sickness, pain, loss of a friend, loss of my own sense of self worth, loss of financial security, loss of dreams. My mother left her job months earlier and it only seemed like there was no place to turn for help. I worried for her, I worried for myself, and I worried about all these things that seemed so emphatically out of my control. Despite all the heartaches and headaches, I clung on to what I thought would be an
unshakable relationship with God.

Two months into my stay in Taiwan, things only got worse. My sister was attacked in the city for no apparent reason, and left injured and shaken. I felt so angry that I couldn't be there to support her, and even more angry that God could let all these things happen. It was the straw that would break the unshakable relationship. I wrote a letter to my pastor laying out everything I had felt. That maybe, perhaps, I was wrong about the whole God thing. I couldn't bring myself to believe in a supernatural being that could cause such pain, what little it may seem in the realm of this fallen world, but it was enough to break me. In my darkest moment, I laid on my bed and I cursed His name. I deserved to die right then, but God had other plans, a very audible phrase, "hang on". So I did, conditionally and with caution. I figured I would still believe in his existence, but not in his goodness.

I'm not really sure when the actual turning point was, but God was able to use this dark time to show how truly good he can be, whether we believe it or not. After several late night conversations with good friends, and support from unexpected places, I knew that God was ministering to my soul. At that time, I was reading a book called The Ragamuffin Gospel (Brennan Manning) after my friend Dorothy had recommended it to me. I knew I needed to remember the gospel of grace and goodness, and to remember that pain is sometimes part of the process. Brennan Manning wrote:

Unlike Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notre Dame, we need not
hide all that is ugly and repulsive in us. Jesus came not for the
super-spiritual but for the wobbly and weak-kneed who know they
don't have it all together and who are not too proud to accept the
handout of amazin' grace. As we glance up, we are astonished to
find the eyes of Jesus open with wonder, deep with understanding,
and gentle with compassion.

What a God we worship. Here I was, a loser, broken, faithless, unsuccessful in all I tried to do for years, and Jesus still came for me. Now here I am today, back in New York, neither fully healed, nor fully restored, but I can testify to the goodness of God. I spent my remaining days in Taiwan trying my best to enjoy the time God had given me there. I wanted to remember the passions and dreams I had let die, so I began to write again and share on this blog, and I picked up my camera and started shooting photos. The picture above is one I snapped while hanging out with my good friend Tatami. I entered the photo into a competition under the title of "Cinderella Noodles", something I found fitting upon hearing the story of this little noodle shop. It started with one lady and one cart. In the need to support her family, she made the one thing she knew how to well; noodles. Years later, same cart, same noodles, same street corner. The only difference was she now owned the entire building on that block. When Tatami told me that story, it really moved me. I took the chance and entered the photo into a competition. Her Cinderella story would lead to my own. Weeks later I found out that the photo had won first place and would be featured in a book to be published. After years of barren land, this was the first sprout of life I would see in my own life. What a blessing from God to see a dream of mine fulfilled, and for such a great cause. "Let's Do Lunch" was a photography competition set up to fight hunger across the US. Entry fees and book sales were donated to local food banks across the US. Below is the link where you can purchase the book the photo was featured in. 20% of the proceeds will go to benefit the Food Bank of New Jersey:

http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/2116882

I call this a minor miracle story because I know that God is capable of even greater things. This only paved the way to press deeper into a faith that can move mountains. I am so excited to be able to share even greater stories in the future; testimonies to how God moves for the good of his people in foolish and lavish ways, amen.

Mercy or Sacrifice?

This post took especially long to write for me. I started after Ash Wednesday and really didn't find clarity on the subject until now. Seeing people walk around with an ash smeared cross on the forehead reminded me it was that time again. Lent and Easter seems to pass by so quickly like Christmas and New Years; the anticipation always leaving you a little dumbstruck when the moment actually comes and goes. Out of habit, I quickly pick something to "give up" for forty days and convince myself this is what God wants from me - extra brownie points for when I reach my final home. This year was chips and chocolate, my two vices. Two weeks in I hit withdrawal, tremors and everything. Two weeks and a day in, I start to cheat. Having given up my two loves besides God, I had become Grouchy Mcgee, running with more stank in my tank than I would've liked. I should just move into a trash can somewhere on Sesame street. As I plowed my way through a bag of Sun Chips (a new flavor I convinced myself I just had to try - LIMITED EDITION PEOPLE), I contemplated what the point was to all this Lent stuff anyways? Ok, I had macaroons too, but they were free, FREE!! No one in their right mind passes up free macaroons.

If I were honest with myself in the beginning, I would've known that my sacrifice was more about my waistline then relationship with God - a red flag pointing straight to failure. Sacrificing arbitrary things that I thought would make me a better person was an Easter tradition for me, failure going hand in hand. Lately, God has been challenging my habits. I wondered if I could ever find success in the things I so desperately want to give up to God: the idols, the negative thoughts, the habits that rule my life, the need for control over my own destiny. I just want to make God proud, but I lack the discipline to show Him he matters more to me than anything else in this world. As I banged my head with the hammer of guilt and disgrace, I called to mind that passage, "I desire mercy, not sacrifice". It's one of those lines we repeat in Sunday school, but this was the first time I actually thought about it. In all my sacrificial endeavors, maybe I had forgotten the one thing God asks of us all; Mercy.

Every Easter, my heart is so focused on what I can do for God, that I forget to think about what I can do for his people. After all, God needs nothing, He asks nothing, only that we worship him. My feeble attempts at sacrifice will always remain feeble, simply because its out of my own strength. Mercy, now that's even harder! No one is born merciful, or full of kindness, which is why we are in such desperate need of Jesus. Our humility in sin draws us close to our Saviour more than any sacrifice could ever bring us. And our closeness to God moves our heart towards compassion and mercy. There is no way I could ever successfully give anything up unless I understand with all my mind and spirit that I am undeservedly loved without limits, that God is good beyond all comprehension, and generous beyond all imagination. As we approach the day of greatest joy, I hope that we all can examine our hearts rather than our deeds since mercy is a matter of the heart. Have we loved well or have we withheld our compassion for God's people, and most importantly, do we understand that God has been so merciful to us? Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to give up chocolate, and perhaps even out of my own strength, but the greater challenge is to ask God to expand my capacity for love, something I could never do on my own. So this Easter, I give up "giving up", and simply ask for a deeper relationship with God, and with those around me.

Happy Valentine's Day

I heard this poem today, and it really touched my heart. This is for the suffering saints, may you always remember you are loved:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

(When love beckons - Kahlil Gibran)

2011...Arise

Another year to be reviewed, another year to be lived; the moment come and gone. 2010 was a year I entered into broken, wounded, waiting for a healer...2011, I am still waiting, though with different wounds, broken in different ways; a work in progress in which only the Maker knows the date of completion. The love has changed; deeper, stronger, more patient. His words to me for a new year:

Song of Songs 1:10 - 13

Arise my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me.
See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves is heard in our land.
The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come, my darling;
my beautiful one, come with me.

In 2011, I will follow you.