It's the stuff epic tragedies are made of, used by writers of all sorts as a cautionary tale for children and adults alike. It follows hubris, mingles with jealousy and consorts with malice. Vanity, it is an age old friend to us all. We all remember that scene from Snow White: Evil queen with drag makeup looks adoringly at herself in looking glass, and says those unforgettable words, "Mirror Mirror on the wall, whose the fairest of them all?" (cue ominous music). There was a part of me that always felt bad for her when the mirror responds that Snow White, her younger, fairer, au-naturale counterpart has succeeded her as dominating enchanter in Make Believille. As a child, we all rooted for Snow White, as an adult, there was a part of me that secretly hoped the hired huntsman would return with that little strumpets heart in the box. Age allowed me to understand the evil queen a little better. What woman hasn't been there before? As we hit certain milestones in our lives, we begin to meet younger, more beautiful woman who inevitably threaten us in one way or another. And as we progress in aging, that number increases. These women remind us of two things:
1) we're getting old and will never regain the beauty of our youth
2) (in direct correlation with #1) less attention will be focused on us.
One of the greatest human fears is to be forgotten. It is an inescapable fate to feel the sting of insignificance. In recent weeks, this issue of vanity seemed to rear its ugly head in my life. I'm not exactly sure what triggered it. Turning 28 was difficult; turning 28 and still living the single life was gruesome. If I'm honest with myself, a part of me felt like I wasted my best years waiting for "the one". When you're young, you feel like you can afford to be picky, at 28, you feel as though that luxury is no longer accessible. I couldn't shake the nagging anxiety that inevitably, our bodies will change, and our skin will sag, and we will become less attractive, at least superficially. No woman will readily admit that these thoughts go through her head. Hell, I had always thought I was better than this myself. I thought I could be someone who aged gracefully, who wouldn't let an image driven world determine my thoughts about myself, but as I sat in the plastic surgeon's office receiving my first consultation, I knew that I wasn't better or stronger than anyone else. There's a reason why the fashion industry is so profitable, and why plastic surgeons are the biggest money makers in the medical profession, why Sephora became an overnight empire, and why sex always sells. We are a vain society. If we go deeper, we find that behind all the vanity is one thing we all long for; to feel beautiful.
In my attempt to formulate a remedy, I turned to all things that were not God. My anxiety had turned to obsession, and my obsession into depression. The more I worked to "improve" myself, the crappier I felt. I was burnt out! It's an exhausting endeavor to fight against nature. I was so unhappy with what I saw in the mirror, and at times it disgusted me. The more I tried to remedy my insecurities, the more they sprang up. Last night, as I was chatting with a friend online discussing our crazy insecurities, she mentioned how it reminded her of a scene from Mean Girls where Lacey Chabert and Amanda Seyfried are hating on themselves in front of the mirror. It was the only scene where she felt like was not an exaggeration of reality. It made me realize how fragile women can be. We are critical and unnecessarily harsh on ourselves. Words have lasting effects on us that stick through our entire lives. As I went to bed that night, I prayed that God would free me from these insecurities. I've always wanted to be a person who could empower woman into believing they are beautiful, worth it, no matter what the world has lead them to believe. How could I say these things to anyone if I couldn't believe it in myself?
That same night, in true epic fashion, I was awakened by the loud bang of my mirror falling off the wall. It lead me to an unexpected revelation; I had displaced God and his truth from the center of my life. Vanity became an idol, and the more I chased it, the more I lost the truth of who I was. In essence, God was casting down that idol in my life as the mirror fell face-down. I didn't need it to tell me who I was, or what I was worth, only God can do that. Darcey Steinke once wrote:
"One has only the choice between God and idolatry...If one denies God ... one is worshiping some things of this world in the belief that one sees them only as such, but in fact, though unknown to oneself imagining the attributes of Divinity in them.”
How often do we chase the things of this world to make us feel "whole"? I know it's difficult to detach ourselves from our surroundings, and to wholly rely on God's truth, but that's why we call it an exercise in faith. It takes time and practice to choose to believe truth over lies. The greatest tool Satan uses against us is to keep us focused on ourselves. He knows we are broken, utterly sinful in nature, insecure, depressed, fragile...if he keeps us focused on all these things we fall further away from God's truth. In turn, we replace that void with idols. We look for things to make us feel better, rather then to understand that we already have something better; salvation. David Powlison says, "to 'keep yourself from idols' is to live with a whole heart of faith in Jesus. It is to be controlled by all that lies behind the address 'Beloved children'" We are beloved children, adored by a loving God, made to shine in our own unique manner. I don't believe I have ever met anyone I didn't think was beautiful in some way. When you can see the divine in the earthly, it gives you a whole new perspective on things. In casting down this idol, I hope I can do what the evil queen in Snow White couldn't; not listen to what the mirror has to say about your worth, and to walk away....into the loving arms of a Father.
