A Brave New World Indeed...

(This is actually a post I wrote about a month after returning from Taiwan, but never had the chance to publish)

It's been about a good month since my last update on this blog. I have to confess that since returning back to the NYC, I've become a hermit of some sorts. The reverse culture shock took its toll, and at the suggestions of several friends, I tried to spend some time adjusting back to an American lifestyle, American food, American T.V., American relationships...

Taiwan had changed me a great deal as a person. Being back in New York almost made me bitter. It was a challenge remembering what I used to be like as a person and seeing how others had changed. My first ride on the 7 train was a true test of patience. All flushing-ites have collectively suffered through the numerous "signal problems", "debris on tracks", "all local trains" announcements in the morning. I felt the joy I once had in Taiwan erode away slowly as that good ol' new york city cynicism came flooding back into my bloodstream. That was the beginning of the end for me...as the weeks dragged on, my bitterness towards society and this city only deepened. Every conversation I happen to hear revolved around accomplishments, jobs, where we went to school, who we're dating, what kind of home we're buying. People seemed ONLY interested in knowing these things. It was all about what you can show on paper to validate your existence in this world. I was swimming in a sea of Alpha males and females as a noticeable Beta Minus.

It was difficult not to be bitter about my own shortcomings in life. I was angry at New York, angry at people, angry at God that I had to come home and face all the things I tried to run from before. New York is beautiful but brutal. It's a world of extremes; you're either somebody or nobody. Perhaps in all big cities, there are roles that need to be fulfilled and occupied; rules for success, prescriptions for fame. As an Asian American female, you feel the pressure to have to be that accomplished, well polished size 2 individual. We are groomed at a young age to be musical, mathematical, ambitious, with a taste for all things I.V. league. In a church group, its even more important to exhibit said list and somehow appear gracious and humble about it all. We know each other through our labels, job titles, spaces we occupy in society, how well we achieve or fall short of expectations. For some of us, we hide behind all these things. We'll never have to take a deeper look at ourselves, or examine the very core of who God made us to be. Those who live outside the realm of conformity find it difficult to ever find self acceptance. Let's face it, as cool as the Matrix made it seem, would you be willing to take the "red pill" and all that comes with it? Questioning the deeper things of who we are and why we're here brings a lifetime of insecurity, difficulty, and pain. I'll admit that no matter how much I feel like I've fallen short of occupying the societal "role" I'm supposed to, I still strive to achieve that. There's a sense of safety and satisfaction in worldly success.

I appreciate Aldous Huxley's book, "A Brave New World" for this very reason: he understands that breaking the mold is not something glossy, or exciting, or world changing at all. Sometimes we just end up as outsiders, mad men exiled...perhaps still waiting for some greater change to sweep across humanity. We say that Jesus was a rebel, and for Christians, we've even glamorized it to seem like he was such a bad-ass, saving the world through his bad-ass, law breaking ways. But let's be honest, the story is brutal. We haven't even seen it finished to know for sure the fullness of the redemption to come. As far as some of us know, He is still a carpenter crucified as a criminal left to die in shame.

I used to believe that I could have some impact on this world. Perhaps it is still true, though not in the way I used to imagine. We all want to be heroes, mold-beakers, world shakers, life changers...but there is a reality we must face; brokenness and inability. I am broken, forever a Beta Minus trying to be an Alpha plus. I am a coward, afraid of pain and failure. Through it all, I still believe that somehow this "bad-ass carpenter" will redeem my life. I'm not sure what the full story will look like, for myself and humanity, but I still choose to believe that it will be something beautiful, something brave, something that was worth saving.