Does Anyone Else Feel this Way?

I'm going about my regular daily task of thumbing through my Facebook updates, collecting my crops on Farmville, and checking up on my employees in Cafe World. I realize that I, like many other people around the world, waste numerous precious hours obsessively updating my virtual doppelgangers and stalking out other people's posts about their new accomplishments and projects they're currently working on. Afterwards, I usually experience a period of jealousy and depression, followed by shame. I love Facebook for many reasons, but there are days when it becomes like that piece of cheesecake you scarfed down last night; it tastes great in the madness of it all, but you always end up hating yourself the next morning.

Perhaps I need a hiatus from all this social networking. There are times when I feel like it all just makes me ungrateful for the things I already have. Of course the reality of it is that Facebook doesn't actually do anything, it just digs up the dirt that's hidden in all of us. I acknowledge the responsibility I should take in the matter, but there's still a part of me that feels as though it's partially responsible for fostering the narcissism in us all.

In the book, The Culture Of Narcissism, Christopher Lasch wrote about how the availability of fame and decline of the family would lead individuals to obsessively focus on themselves and ultimately lead to a weaker sense of identity. I feel like this everyday of my life. I obsessively focus on my insecurities, wallow in my own failures, pity myself because I haven't occupied a creative niche to call my own, all while blaming God for my feelings of emptiness. Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else feel more like a loser the more socially connected they are? If I'm honest with myself, I know its only because I long to be special...I want people to see me as worthy, successful, creative, beautiful...but I know that Facebook can't give me that, even if I had a million things to boast about. I am angry at myself most of the time when I realize that for some reason, God's love isn't good enough. I want more, I demand more. I've become like the old lady who lived in a vinegar jar. She was sad and wished for a humble cottage. When a little bluebird heard her wish, she granted her the cottage because the bird was kind. But after a short year, she demanded more; a house, then a mansion...until nothing would satisfy the old woman besides becoming queen of the world. Because the bird was kind, she granted the old woman's desires each time, even when she never thanked the little bird or thought of her. Finally in the end, the old woman ended up right back in the vinegar jar, where some argued, she belonged all a long. Nothing satisfied her because she couldn't see what she was given out of love.

Have I become ungrateful? Have I replaced the love of God for the desire to be loved by others? Am I incapable of being thankful for the things I've been given out of kindness? It's a difficult journey to find satisfaction in life, and even more difficult to find it in God. It would seem so simple, who would turn down such a great invitation for love? To be loved unconditionally, irrevocably and abundantly; it's a gift I turn down everyday. My fear of being a nobody pushes me further away from God's loving arms. To Him, I could never be a "nobody". Every inch of who I am was created out of his love and creativity. He exhorts me even when I've done nothing to warrant praise. It's difficult to believe all of this, especially when the rest of the world is clamoring for attention with everyone exerting their own uniqueness. It's hard to not get caught up in it all....and exhausting to keep up.
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