A Beginning and an End

Today marked the end of the Chinese New Year Holiday here in Taiwan. It's always a bit difficult to get myself back into the swing of things after a nice vacation. I spent a week up in Taipei with great friends just relaxing and enjoying my experience, and it reminded me of how precious these moments really are. It's been a month of new beginnings for me. The last three or four years have been an arduous walk through the desert. As I lay that season to rest and prepare for a new beginning, I'm compelled to think about the idea of life and death.

On Friday I was fortunate enough to catch the sky lantern festival in Pingxi. The festival happens once a year where thousands of people release paper lanterns into the night sky. The idea behind it is to write your wishes on a paper lantern, and then release it into the sky hoping that a God will see and grant your desire. As I watched my friends release our lantern, I felt overcome with a sense of thankfulness that moments like these could be written in my memory. It was a bitter sweet moment; I had the chance to reconnect with old friends, meet new ones, and was reminded that I must say goodbye to others. As the five of us stood around this lantern covered in our blessings to family and friends, I had secretly made another wish that this moment could last just a bit longer for all of us - but like many experiences, we must release it and watch as it drifts beyond the horizon.

When we think about time, we think about a line that moves progressively towards a terminal point in which we call death, but everything around us tells us otherwise, that time is like an endless circle. The earth spins on an axis and revolves in an orbit, and end always signifies the beginning of something else, death in winter brings life in spring, night brings another morning. I've watched my own life travel peaks and valleys, always coming full circle to the beginning of another chapter. If all human existence was marked by lines travelling in the same direction, lives would never intersect, we would never experience the pulse of existence, which like a human heart, pumps the flow of energy through a circulatory system in the universe. When I hear about death, it makes me sad, but if in fact all things come full circle, then even the tragedies will find redemption. The idea of the gospel I so much believe in revolves around the concept that death will bring new life. It gives me some sense of comfort and connection with others to know that my life is not a solitary line, but that I am part of something bigger, something that has no end, something that allows experiences to overlap; an infinite number of points circulating together on some greater journey conducted by a greater being.

Does Anyone Else Feel this Way?

I'm going about my regular daily task of thumbing through my Facebook updates, collecting my crops on Farmville, and checking up on my employees in Cafe World. I realize that I, like many other people around the world, waste numerous precious hours obsessively updating my virtual doppelgangers and stalking out other people's posts about their new accomplishments and projects they're currently working on. Afterwards, I usually experience a period of jealousy and depression, followed by shame. I love Facebook for many reasons, but there are days when it becomes like that piece of cheesecake you scarfed down last night; it tastes great in the madness of it all, but you always end up hating yourself the next morning.

Perhaps I need a hiatus from all this social networking. There are times when I feel like it all just makes me ungrateful for the things I already have. Of course the reality of it is that Facebook doesn't actually do anything, it just digs up the dirt that's hidden in all of us. I acknowledge the responsibility I should take in the matter, but there's still a part of me that feels as though it's partially responsible for fostering the narcissism in us all.

In the book, The Culture Of Narcissism, Christopher Lasch wrote about how the availability of fame and decline of the family would lead individuals to obsessively focus on themselves and ultimately lead to a weaker sense of identity. I feel like this everyday of my life. I obsessively focus on my insecurities, wallow in my own failures, pity myself because I haven't occupied a creative niche to call my own, all while blaming God for my feelings of emptiness. Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else feel more like a loser the more socially connected they are? If I'm honest with myself, I know its only because I long to be special...I want people to see me as worthy, successful, creative, beautiful...but I know that Facebook can't give me that, even if I had a million things to boast about. I am angry at myself most of the time when I realize that for some reason, God's love isn't good enough. I want more, I demand more. I've become like the old lady who lived in a vinegar jar. She was sad and wished for a humble cottage. When a little bluebird heard her wish, she granted her the cottage because the bird was kind. But after a short year, she demanded more; a house, then a mansion...until nothing would satisfy the old woman besides becoming queen of the world. Because the bird was kind, she granted the old woman's desires each time, even when she never thanked the little bird or thought of her. Finally in the end, the old woman ended up right back in the vinegar jar, where some argued, she belonged all a long. Nothing satisfied her because she couldn't see what she was given out of love.

Have I become ungrateful? Have I replaced the love of God for the desire to be loved by others? Am I incapable of being thankful for the things I've been given out of kindness? It's a difficult journey to find satisfaction in life, and even more difficult to find it in God. It would seem so simple, who would turn down such a great invitation for love? To be loved unconditionally, irrevocably and abundantly; it's a gift I turn down everyday. My fear of being a nobody pushes me further away from God's loving arms. To Him, I could never be a "nobody". Every inch of who I am was created out of his love and creativity. He exhorts me even when I've done nothing to warrant praise. It's difficult to believe all of this, especially when the rest of the world is clamoring for attention with everyone exerting their own uniqueness. It's hard to not get caught up in it all....and exhausting to keep up.
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Dream State

I had such an interesting dream last night that I had to share it. Some of you may know, I have an incredibly active dream life. Sometimes the dreams can be prophetic, or meaningful in a cryptic manner. In last night's dream, I was running away from someone. It's not a new thing for me, I've had numerous dreams where it was necessary to flee from some sort of danger. In this dream, I'm not sure how it all began, but the man was evil. I had a relationship with him for a brief time, but decided he was not the one for me. But for some reason, he couldn't take no for an answer. He tried to lure one of my friends into his car as well as revenge for the breech of relationship. I remember running into the car and pulling my friend out. We spent the next few hours just running and hiding from this man. For some reason, I wasn't frightened. I just knew I had to escape.

I pulled my friend under a porch to hide as he came looking for us. Luckily, we went undetected. We continued our escape, and I remember distinctly running to different countries and cities, always feeling relieved that we had managed to stay one step ahead, but little did I know, the chase would end soon.

It must have been a holiday of some sort, there were fireworks everywhere and crowds of people lining the streets. I grabbed my friends hand and we walked through the crowd. I wanted to stop to see the beautiful display of lights and explosions, but was afraid that we would be caught. Sure enough, there was the man, right in the crowd. I knew he had spotted us, so I let my friend go and told her to hide in the crowd as I did the same. I crouched behind spectators, hoping he wouldn't notice my shoes (for some reason, I was very afraid I would be recognized by my shoes). The fear turned into paranoia, and I thought the best solution would be to make a run for it. My friend had the same idea. I bolted after her and we ran through a building near by. A woman tried to stop me, she grabbed my arm and asked, "Are you Betty? Wait...you have to know something!" I ignored her caution and continued running, but I knew I couldn't run any longer. I was tired, and knew I would run out of places to hide. His cleverness was just too great. I knew there was only one thing left to do; stop running...

I could see him in a distance, calling my name, approaching closer. I didn't feel fear, or sadness; I felt empty. As he came up to me, I saw in his hands two cakes. I wasn't too sure what they were meant for. He stretched them out in my direction and said, "these are for you...let us eat together, and would you forgive me for all that I have done." There was no hesitation, no second thought, no confusion; I stretched out my hand and said, "All is forgiven brother". I called out to my friend to let her know there was no reason to run anymore. I remembered the woman who tried to stop me, she had tried to tell me the same thing...that there was no reason to run anymore.

It was a profound dream...and yes, I have spent the last couple of years running...exhausted, unable to conceal myself in new jobs, new cities, new hobbies. There comes a time when we all must stop running, I guess my time is now. I don't know who the man is, perhaps failed relationships, perhaps betrayal from friends, perhaps the pain of loving someone who doesn't love you, or perhaps even myself and my own sins. But wouldn't it be a wonderful thing, to stop, and to stretch out our hands and say, "All is forgiven".