For my audience of two, its no secret that the past few years have been a time of testing for me. Since my graduation from college, finding a job or career has been one of the most depricating, kick in the crotch things I've ever had to figure out in life. Currently, I'm unemployed....again...and when I look at my resume, I think I'm the only person who has consistently made less over the course of the years. A step up would be working at McDonalds, which quite frankly isn't such a bad career.
It's been hard to find self worth when the world tells us that our importance is based on achievements and success. But its funny, how in God's world, our failures and shortcomings are what makes a man. Character is shaped and purified in the fire, in our tests and trials, in the ebb and flow of our sadness, bitterness and joy.
During the days where I thought I was doomed to be a loser wandering this earth, it was hard to know that I was loved, or worthy. It seemed no one knew I existed, or had talents, or skills. It was during this time, where God showed me what love really was, and where he introduced me to Grape Pie.
Grape Pie is a dream I had one night. I was sitting at a dinner table, and there in the center of the table was Jason Mraz. For those who are unfamiliar, Jason Mraz is a talented singer and the center of my obsessive fatal attraction for quite a while. I was convinced that I would have his babies...and hey, its still possible. Anyhoo's, I remember sitting at the table with Jason, and across from him was my sister, and next to him was a good friend of mine. There was a light that seemed to beam from his spirit. It was sweet like honey, and I remember the feeling of just wanting to be near him. Suddently, a woman comes bursting through from the kitchen, and in her hands she had prepared Grape Pie.
"Grape Pie?" I thought to myself. It was quite peculiar, the thought of slimy grapes shoved inside a crispy crust, but in the dream, it worked. It was a wonderfully unique pie. At the table, Jason was completely rendered by my sister's charisma. In reality, my sister is a wonderful speaker, engaging and beautiful. It was hard to compete with that growing up. I became the "wilting flower"...shy, introverted, uncertain in speech, awkward in mannerisms.
She held his gaze, and Jason was utterly mesmerized and delighted by her. I felt in my heart a jealousy and sadness. I wished he would look my way, or that I could captivate him with my witty banter (which is merely an aresenal of "yo momma" and fart jokes). He reached over, and gave her a slice of grape pie. Then, he turned to my friend who was sitting next to him. She was quiet, and turned away, afraid to even look at him. But he was kind, and held her gaze, even when she wouldn't. He cradled her face with his hands and pulled closer to her. It wasn't creepy or sleezy, but kind like a father's touch. He planted a soft kiss on her cheek and seemed to be so in love. I hated her for a second. This was the man I had pined for, dreamed of, stalked...and here he was, kissing her. The desperation rose up in me, and I gave a light giggle and said, "where's my hug and kiss?" I wanted him to pay attention to me so desperately, and where the heck was my piece of Grape Pie? He had served every one first. The fear of being forgotten crept in and settled itself in my pool of insecurity. That's when he turned to me, held my gaze, and said, "For you, I have something better. Me and you, we have a lot in common, and I want to take you on a date." I could've died right there...it was all I would hope for from Jason, but I knew the dream was deeper than just a dream date with my obsession.
Sometimes, when we don't get what others have, we feel rejected, unworthy, lost in the sea of mediocrity. But in God's eyes, being served last is no reflection of how much he loves someone. He loves all of us in our own ways, captivated as a friend, father, and lover, simply by who we are. And sometimes, those who are served last aren't loved any less. Maybe they're the ones who can wait to see others being served first. In the end, we get exactly what we had hoped for. I had only asked for a hug and a kiss, like what my friend recieved, but God had so much more for me. He had a personal relationship waiting, more than anything I could even imagine asking for. So I guess...we all get a piece of Grape Pie in the end, some of us just get to eat before others, but no one is every forgotten. Patience only grows taller roses when it rains.
