How Quickly We Forget

I woke up this morning in a pool of clothes with a lovely imprint of my laptop branded into my arm. I searched around for my glasses only to find that I had slept on them, again. I took a good look around my room and as I inhaled the scent of dirty socks, I realized how quickly I forget things. I had told myself that I would be diligent in my efforts to keep things clean and organized, which lasted for over a month (a new record). But being in a good groove sometimes takes conscious observance.

My life seems to work in cycles, which may just be the curse of woman in general. There are weeks when I feel motivated, weeks when I feel tired and lazy, weeks when I feel like indulging...which at times can be ok, but the one thing I'm lacking is consistency. At the end of the day, I'm simply a dog chasing my own tail.

My friend often tells me I'm fickle and perhaps that's due to the fact that I'm constantly being ruled by my emotions. Yes, I can simply just tell myself, "hey, that's just the curse for scoring an F on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator", but eventually, there has to be some freedom from moodiness. It took me weeks to decide which instrument I wanted to study before settling on the viola, and even longer to figure out whether I liked living in Taiwan or not. 30 minutes before I commit to buying shoes and 10 minutes to convince myself what I ordered to eat was the right decision is all pretty standard in my life. This doesn't take into account the days of sleepless nights to follow, wondering if those silver flats really will match with everything. Clearly living life like a walking mood ring can't be healthy for a person's psyche. I realize that my cyclical indecisiveness not only affects me, but those around me.

I had a dream where I was about to marry a man I did not love. My friends were helping me slip into this hideous wedding gown and the whole time I was thinking, it's ok, I can back out of this whenever I want to. As I tried to tell my friends that I didn't want to marry this guy, they all responded that it was too late. The invitations had been sent out and guests were already filling the chapel. The groom had taken his position and I remember this feeling of doom coming over me. One of my friends got mad because she thought I had taken the idea of marriage for a joke. As I watched my friends arrive for the wedding, I tried to convince myself that I could be happy with this man. I thought about the dream, and although I'm still unclear about most of its underlying meaning, I really thought about the idea of making a commitment. Marriage is perhaps one of the greatest commitments we will ever make in our lives. There's no receipt that comes with it giving an option to return after 30 days. We're stuck with the decision we make through sickness and health.

The idea of an emergency exit in every decision I make comforts me, and I often demand the freedom of pulling that parachute cord whenever I want to bail out. It's ironic however, that my need for freedom is actually what keeps me trapped in this cycle. My failure to commit, whether its to a particular goal in life, or to a promise I might make to someone, is really beginning to take a toll on me. I think the laxity I place on my word can often be hurtful and quite selfish. There's a reason why God tells us to let our 'yes be yes' and our 'no be no'. Trust is built on how well we can follow through on our commitments and how well we can hold to our word. It's a true exercise in discipline, which I know God is still working through me. I so often forget the promises I make to myself and to God and I know that it is no excuse. The Israelites forgot many times and wandered the desert for 40 years. It's rumored they acutally walked in circles for part of their journey. Forgetting the Lord and His promises only prolonged their suffering. I hope I don't fall into the same trap. The ways of God are always funny to me; one has to lay their life down in order to gain life. Perhaps my freedom can only be gained if I learn to lay down my need for it, and finally, I could break free of this cycle.