Does Anyone Else Feel this Way?

I'm going about my regular daily task of thumbing through my Facebook updates, collecting my crops on Farmville, and checking up on my employees in Cafe World. I realize that I, like many other people around the world, waste numerous precious hours obsessively updating my virtual doppelgangers and stalking out other people's posts about their new accomplishments and projects they're currently working on. Afterwards, I usually experience a period of jealousy and depression, followed by shame. I love Facebook for many reasons, but there are days when it becomes like that piece of cheesecake you scarfed down last night; it tastes great in the madness of it all, but you always end up hating yourself the next morning.

Perhaps I need a hiatus from all this social networking. There are times when I feel like it all just makes me ungrateful for the things I already have. Of course the reality of it is that Facebook doesn't actually do anything, it just digs up the dirt that's hidden in all of us. I acknowledge the responsibility I should take in the matter, but there's still a part of me that feels as though it's partially responsible for fostering the narcissism in us all.

In the book, The Culture Of Narcissism, Christopher Lasch wrote about how the availability of fame and decline of the family would lead individuals to obsessively focus on themselves and ultimately lead to a weaker sense of identity. I feel like this everyday of my life. I obsessively focus on my insecurities, wallow in my own failures, pity myself because I haven't occupied a creative niche to call my own, all while blaming God for my feelings of emptiness. Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone else feel more like a loser the more socially connected they are? If I'm honest with myself, I know its only because I long to be special...I want people to see me as worthy, successful, creative, beautiful...but I know that Facebook can't give me that, even if I had a million things to boast about. I am angry at myself most of the time when I realize that for some reason, God's love isn't good enough. I want more, I demand more. I've become like the old lady who lived in a vinegar jar. She was sad and wished for a humble cottage. When a little bluebird heard her wish, she granted her the cottage because the bird was kind. But after a short year, she demanded more; a house, then a mansion...until nothing would satisfy the old woman besides becoming queen of the world. Because the bird was kind, she granted the old woman's desires each time, even when she never thanked the little bird or thought of her. Finally in the end, the old woman ended up right back in the vinegar jar, where some argued, she belonged all a long. Nothing satisfied her because she couldn't see what she was given out of love.

Have I become ungrateful? Have I replaced the love of God for the desire to be loved by others? Am I incapable of being thankful for the things I've been given out of kindness? It's a difficult journey to find satisfaction in life, and even more difficult to find it in God. It would seem so simple, who would turn down such a great invitation for love? To be loved unconditionally, irrevocably and abundantly; it's a gift I turn down everyday. My fear of being a nobody pushes me further away from God's loving arms. To Him, I could never be a "nobody". Every inch of who I am was created out of his love and creativity. He exhorts me even when I've done nothing to warrant praise. It's difficult to believe all of this, especially when the rest of the world is clamoring for attention with everyone exerting their own uniqueness. It's hard to not get caught up in it all....and exhausting to keep up.
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Dream State

I had such an interesting dream last night that I had to share it. Some of you may know, I have an incredibly active dream life. Sometimes the dreams can be prophetic, or meaningful in a cryptic manner. In last night's dream, I was running away from someone. It's not a new thing for me, I've had numerous dreams where it was necessary to flee from some sort of danger. In this dream, I'm not sure how it all began, but the man was evil. I had a relationship with him for a brief time, but decided he was not the one for me. But for some reason, he couldn't take no for an answer. He tried to lure one of my friends into his car as well as revenge for the breech of relationship. I remember running into the car and pulling my friend out. We spent the next few hours just running and hiding from this man. For some reason, I wasn't frightened. I just knew I had to escape.

I pulled my friend under a porch to hide as he came looking for us. Luckily, we went undetected. We continued our escape, and I remember distinctly running to different countries and cities, always feeling relieved that we had managed to stay one step ahead, but little did I know, the chase would end soon.

It must have been a holiday of some sort, there were fireworks everywhere and crowds of people lining the streets. I grabbed my friends hand and we walked through the crowd. I wanted to stop to see the beautiful display of lights and explosions, but was afraid that we would be caught. Sure enough, there was the man, right in the crowd. I knew he had spotted us, so I let my friend go and told her to hide in the crowd as I did the same. I crouched behind spectators, hoping he wouldn't notice my shoes (for some reason, I was very afraid I would be recognized by my shoes). The fear turned into paranoia, and I thought the best solution would be to make a run for it. My friend had the same idea. I bolted after her and we ran through a building near by. A woman tried to stop me, she grabbed my arm and asked, "Are you Betty? Wait...you have to know something!" I ignored her caution and continued running, but I knew I couldn't run any longer. I was tired, and knew I would run out of places to hide. His cleverness was just too great. I knew there was only one thing left to do; stop running...

I could see him in a distance, calling my name, approaching closer. I didn't feel fear, or sadness; I felt empty. As he came up to me, I saw in his hands two cakes. I wasn't too sure what they were meant for. He stretched them out in my direction and said, "these are for you...let us eat together, and would you forgive me for all that I have done." There was no hesitation, no second thought, no confusion; I stretched out my hand and said, "All is forgiven brother". I called out to my friend to let her know there was no reason to run anymore. I remembered the woman who tried to stop me, she had tried to tell me the same thing...that there was no reason to run anymore.

It was a profound dream...and yes, I have spent the last couple of years running...exhausted, unable to conceal myself in new jobs, new cities, new hobbies. There comes a time when we all must stop running, I guess my time is now. I don't know who the man is, perhaps failed relationships, perhaps betrayal from friends, perhaps the pain of loving someone who doesn't love you, or perhaps even myself and my own sins. But wouldn't it be a wonderful thing, to stop, and to stretch out our hands and say, "All is forgiven".

A Poem Every Week

I want to try to post a poem every week. Since graduating from college, I feel as though I've lost touch with a lot of the literature I used to enjoy so much. I'm tying to refresh my knowledge and inspiration. The first is a poem by John Milton, British poet and author, best known for his work, "Paradise Lost".

When I consider How My Light is Spent

When I consider how my light is spent
Ere half my days, in this dark world and wide,
and that one talent which is death to hide
Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true accounts, lest he returning chide;
"Doth God exact day-labor, light denied?"
I fondly ask; but Patience to prevent
That murmur, soon replies, "God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts; who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state
Is kingly. Thousands at his bidding speed
And post o'er land and ocean without rest:
They also serve who only stand and wait."

2010 Resolutions

I love the feeling a New Year's celebration gives people. There's always a renewed sense of hope and ambition as the concept of entering a new chapter with a tabula rasa invigorates the lost dreams to life again. The eve offers a unique cross road in the human existence. It's the one day where we can look towards a life yet unborn while reminiscing about the past year soon to become distant memories. We strike a balance in the way we view our lives; where we've been and where we will go. The first week of January is a valuable time for me. So often, I live the rest of my year thinking only of the past. I relive every failure, every embarrassment, every criticism and I let it paralyze me from moving forward, sometimes even fearing what the future may look like. In college I was the complete opposite, only thinking about the future. My only concern was to build a career for myself, perhaps achieve fame, recognition and success. This way of thinking had cost me great friends and relationships, while dwelling in the past had cost me God's calling. I appreciate the chance a new year gives me. It allows me to re-focus on the task at hand and what my life should really look like, as a complete story rather than fragmented chapters.

Part of my resolution this year was inspired by the Princess Diaries. I enjoy Disney and Pixar films because they use fantastical situations to illustrate human truths. And like the new year, they strike a balance between dreams and reality. I remember the compelling moment where Ann Hathaway makes her decisive speech, dripping wet wearing a frumpy hoodie. She had her most princess like moment when she looked the most disheveled. The idea of being princess of a country frightened Ann, especially understanding the scrutiny that comes with such a position. Her flaws, whether real or fabricated, were exhibited in front of the world. She thought of the burden, and thought of the price of giving away such a position, then comes her touching line...."then I realized how many stupid times a day, I use the word 'I'"

One of the hardest things to do is to get over ourselves. I realized that I had placed on a shelf many of God's promises needing some outside source of confirmation to tell me what I'm meant to do. It's not to say that I missed out on anything, but in order to move forward, I have to acknowledge how self-centered I am, how self seeking some of my desires were, no matter how nicely I covered them in altruistic intentions. It's tempting for me to dump my failures on the fact that I "wasn't ready" to walk in the calling, but I don't believe this is true either. There are many successful people out there who work out of selfishness. The matter at hand doesn't revolve around success or failure, as I used to believe, but rather around obedience through love. I know that God had lovingly given me a calling to be a wordsmith, but my crippling fears and raging jealousies had pushed the calling into the realm of impossible. I lamented over the loss of the calling, but never wanted to own it in the first place. I was reminded of a dream I had a long time ago. I was in Africa, and I walked into a classroom where there was a little girl who walked up to me. She had a book in her hand and she told me that one day, she had accidentally wandered into the class. The teacher had been reading the book to the children. She told me that the story had changed her life. It had given her hope in her own future, and allowed her to see the worth she had in God. I wept...

I knew that I wanted to be that kind of writer, but that dream somehow lost its way in the deep depression that was to come. I only recently recalled it back into memory when I came upon the cross-roads of the new year. Owning a title or a dream is not an easy thing to do, as Ann Hathaway so courageously illustrated, but when we are able to realize the weight and significance of that title and what it means to others, we no longer carry a burden but a gift. If I could think less of myself, perhaps God's words could reach that girl, or even a nation. The word resolution actually means to set upon a course of action, if I were to give myself a resolution, it would be to put into action the passions that God gave me. Writing is only a tool for the greater calling to love both God and his people. I could only wait to see what 2010 will bring and I hope that it will be a year where I think of others and God, and allow my own ambitions to become a distant memory in the realm of what He has called me to do.

How Quickly We Forget

I woke up this morning in a pool of clothes with a lovely imprint of my laptop branded into my arm. I searched around for my glasses only to find that I had slept on them, again. I took a good look around my room and as I inhaled the scent of dirty socks, I realized how quickly I forget things. I had told myself that I would be diligent in my efforts to keep things clean and organized, which lasted for over a month (a new record). But being in a good groove sometimes takes conscious observance.

My life seems to work in cycles, which may just be the curse of woman in general. There are weeks when I feel motivated, weeks when I feel tired and lazy, weeks when I feel like indulging...which at times can be ok, but the one thing I'm lacking is consistency. At the end of the day, I'm simply a dog chasing my own tail.

My friend often tells me I'm fickle and perhaps that's due to the fact that I'm constantly being ruled by my emotions. Yes, I can simply just tell myself, "hey, that's just the curse for scoring an F on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator", but eventually, there has to be some freedom from moodiness. It took me weeks to decide which instrument I wanted to study before settling on the viola, and even longer to figure out whether I liked living in Taiwan or not. 30 minutes before I commit to buying shoes and 10 minutes to convince myself what I ordered to eat was the right decision is all pretty standard in my life. This doesn't take into account the days of sleepless nights to follow, wondering if those silver flats really will match with everything. Clearly living life like a walking mood ring can't be healthy for a person's psyche. I realize that my cyclical indecisiveness not only affects me, but those around me.

I had a dream where I was about to marry a man I did not love. My friends were helping me slip into this hideous wedding gown and the whole time I was thinking, it's ok, I can back out of this whenever I want to. As I tried to tell my friends that I didn't want to marry this guy, they all responded that it was too late. The invitations had been sent out and guests were already filling the chapel. The groom had taken his position and I remember this feeling of doom coming over me. One of my friends got mad because she thought I had taken the idea of marriage for a joke. As I watched my friends arrive for the wedding, I tried to convince myself that I could be happy with this man. I thought about the dream, and although I'm still unclear about most of its underlying meaning, I really thought about the idea of making a commitment. Marriage is perhaps one of the greatest commitments we will ever make in our lives. There's no receipt that comes with it giving an option to return after 30 days. We're stuck with the decision we make through sickness and health.

The idea of an emergency exit in every decision I make comforts me, and I often demand the freedom of pulling that parachute cord whenever I want to bail out. It's ironic however, that my need for freedom is actually what keeps me trapped in this cycle. My failure to commit, whether its to a particular goal in life, or to a promise I might make to someone, is really beginning to take a toll on me. I think the laxity I place on my word can often be hurtful and quite selfish. There's a reason why God tells us to let our 'yes be yes' and our 'no be no'. Trust is built on how well we can follow through on our commitments and how well we can hold to our word. It's a true exercise in discipline, which I know God is still working through me. I so often forget the promises I make to myself and to God and I know that it is no excuse. The Israelites forgot many times and wandered the desert for 40 years. It's rumored they acutally walked in circles for part of their journey. Forgetting the Lord and His promises only prolonged their suffering. I hope I don't fall into the same trap. The ways of God are always funny to me; one has to lay their life down in order to gain life. Perhaps my freedom can only be gained if I learn to lay down my need for it, and finally, I could break free of this cycle.

The calm before...

It's been about a little more than a month since I've been back in Taiwan but time always seems to be moving at warp speed here. Somehow the 12 hour time difference seems to propel you even faster through space and time like a 1980's Delorean.

The first couple of weeks in Taiwan were some of the happiest most peaceful times I had experienced in life thus far. I've discovered that deep skepticism and complaining are both traits of my family, and having suffered from the "Liou gene" all my life, naturally, my first instinct was to wait for the other shoe to drop. The kids I teach were well-behaved, I was spending time with God every morning, playing the piano everyday, starting art lessons...and life just seemed so together. I thought to myself, "wow, this might be it, this might be the time my life permanently changes for the better, where God's favor will rest on me." I still hung on to the skepticism, wondering if that shoe would drop, but I tried to fight every natural instinct that told me to keep an eye out for disaster.

As the week passed, God had brought me into a time of complete disaster. Sometimes that calm before the storm can be deceiving. I knew my guard was down, and more than that, my pride was up. I thought I had finally cleaned all the sin out of my life, but like the verse says:

When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, 'I will return to the house I left.' When it arrives, it finds the house unoccupied, swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and takes with it seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first. That is how it will be with this wicked generation."

Boy did those spirits come back with a vengeance! I always have a tendency to want my life to be in order, which isn't a bad thing, but I realized its how I react to things when its not in order. I went through a week of just complete chaos, struggling with every sin from the past I thought I had already dealt with. The change was so noticeable that one of my roommates even joked that it seemed like I was slowly mutating into some trashy version of myself. There were late night drinking sessions, cigarette smoking, junk food...everything that I swore I would give up in order to clean up my life. There were battles with lust, envy, and malice. Everything that used to get to me before just started to rise up again. I spent hours on face book looking for reasons to feel bad about myself, reasons to think I'm a failure in life. I felt so angry just thinking about certain people in my life and how I felt mistreated by them, and how angry I was at God for not punishing them, but only punishing me. The happy weeks seemed so far, and I was so disappointed at myself that I just couldn't seem to keep things in order.

On Monday, I had crashed into a ball of misery. I wondered if my life would ever be a reflection of God's holiness, if I would ever make it to there, not even knowing where 'there' is. I wept in shame, grieved and burdened with my own guilt. In the misery, we're taught to seek God's grace, but sometimes shame is so heavy, it makes us run even further into sin and darkness. I live so much of my life in the dark, just hoping no one sees me or the sin in my heart. Holiness seemed like something I would never be able to attain. However, in my brooding over failed righteousness, I thought about whether its the darkness I love so much, or just the simple fact of hiding. When things were going well, was I really living a righteous life or was I only hiding from sin? As Christians, I believe we're taught that we must "cross over" to the light once we are saved, but how many of us hide behind the light just as we hid in the darkness? Perhaps I was wrong in gauging my closeness to God by the things I do. Was I really any closer to God when I thought my life was in order, and I'm I any further from Him when I fall into sin? I'm not sure what the right answer might be. Yes, I believe that we should live holy lives before the Lord and that the wages of sin is death, but what does it mean to be holy?

In my endeavors to reach holiness, I realized that I was merely hiding from my own sinful nature. I replaced the grace of God with my own personal righteousness, and when temptation came to reveal the sin in my heart, I ran to hide in the darkness. So often in the Christian community, there is a pressure to give off a guise of righteousness. We live by a "don't ask don't tell" policy where we are ashamed of confessing our sins to each other in fear that our image will be tarnished if people knew the deep dark things we struggle with. In my desperation these past few weeks, I felt a burden to confess, not just to God, but to my brothers and sisters as well. It was obvious that I needed help to fight through the rough waters and it took a lot to swallow that lump of shame in my throat in order to ask for help. My sister shared with me that she was praying that God would show me what it means to be holy, and I believe in the midst of my most recent battles, he has revealed a glimpse of what that looks like. Holiness was not something I could attain on my own, neither was it something that could be squeezed out of the avoidance of sin. When Jesus walked among us, he was holy not because he lived in this magical land of light where darkness could never reach. Jesus was holy because he was a light in the darkness. I so often imagine this divide between light and dark, where light is a place separated from sin and sinners. The fall of Adam is so much a part of my nature its inescapable, but this is why I need Jesus even more, because he is a light into my darkness. It's still unclear to me what holiness might look like or mean, but I believe that our lives are to be the same as Jesus, that we are called to be a light in the darkness, a representation of grace in the face of sin and shame. In my brokenness, God shines. In my weakness, God prevails, and whether I am good or bad, God is always near...now its just a matter of believing it.

New Roots...

Age: Still 27
Occupation: Hasn't changed
Weight: Definitely going to pass on this today!
Goal for Today: Not be a slob in front of the TV


After spending three months overseas, I got the chance to spend some time at home with family and friends in New York City. The time I spent with my mother these short weeks was perhaps the sweetest. I remember spending most of my younger years avoiding conversations with her, as they would often result in some unnecessary comment about how my face got fatter, or how I still don't have a boyfriend. Though these quips still remain in our conversation, I find myself learning a lot from this woman. I used to always think that I knew more than my mom did. Maybe because of my own prejudices against her F.O.B (Fresh Off the Boat) status, or my own fears of her being taken advantage of because of her kindness, but I'm starting to see that there is a lot to learn from her.

About a year ago, she lost her job. Money was always a source of anxiety for our family, even in times when there was no need to worry, so of course, I had many sleepless nights over what would happen to our family, our house, etc etc. To my surprise though, my mother barely batted an eyelash. I knew deep down inside, she worried deeply. The quite stoicism and brave face in times of trouble is a quality certainly lost on our generation. It was hard for me to comprehend. Her rigid response was read as indifference to me, and my sister and I took up the slack for her lack of worrying. But I think she understood something me and my sister didn't...the importance of just resting and not worrying too much over the things you can't control.
In the beginning, she spent her months of unemployment the same way any one else would: In front of the TV. When I left for Taiwan the first time around, she began an interest with gardening. Inspired by the fresh tomatoes our neighbors would drop off now and then, she began to plant her own. At this time, she was still at the beginning phases, cleaning, weeding, planting seeds, taking care of the menial things. When I got back three months later, our fridge was bursting with fresh tomatoes, cucumbers, squash and berries! I couldn't believe that just three months ago, our backyard was bare with the exception of a few rotten apples and stray cats. The most spectacular sight was the pumpkin patch that began to grow. The leaves sprawled themselves over almost the entire backyard. My mother said that all she did was take one seed from a pumpkin and planted it in the dirt.
Most often in my life, I rarely make it past the "cleaning" phase. I once tried to keep a bamboo plant in my room, which I begged my mom to buy for me, and surely after three months its chutes withered into an unrecognizable pile of crap. I couldn't even imagine planting a garden, but that's what God asks us to do. We are called to sow in faith in order to reap in victory. Sowing in faith however, takes much more than a desire; it takes discipline. My mother, in the worst time of her life, had the discipline to grow a garden, and God blessed her with an abundant one. I know that God isn't done weeding me yet, and my heart still clings to many weeds, but I hope that I would have the discipline to work on such a garden. He promises to lay new roots in our hearts, to replace bitterness with joy, hopelessness with faith, and tears with singing...and there in the middle of it all grows a tree of God's goodness, an understanding that in hardship He never changes. When the winter season blows bareness in our lives, He is still there in the garden, waiting and watching for the fruit if His goodness to grow in us. I hope that I could learn to be such a disciplined and faithful gardener, so I could continue the work He's already done in me.